I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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