Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
