just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
