my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
areolas are like halos for boobs.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
