explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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