Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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