saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
