I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
