so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
