Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize