Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
