You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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