someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Randomize
