I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
