Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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