I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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