Pants 0. Shit 1.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
