One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
