how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
