my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
