Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
