I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
