My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
