I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
