Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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