I got chris browned last night
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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