Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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