I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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