girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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