i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
