I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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