im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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