so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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