I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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