based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
