Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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