You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
