My boss' voice literally gives me gas
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
