FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
