girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
