I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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