how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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