You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
