I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
