Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
