The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
