if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
