I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
