i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
