So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize