we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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