my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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