my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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