There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
