So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
