Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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