i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
