um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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