Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
