Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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